Over the years, working with thousands of couples, I (Dr. Ken Genlik, couples therapist) have discovered a straightforward yet effective strategy that eases the strains of decision-making in relationships and minimizes potential damage. I'm excited to share this transformative intervention with you today. It's called Moving Towards Unity (MTU) and is a core step in Attachment Repair and Processing Therapy (ARPT) for couples.
The MTU process is straightforward and can help illuminate many challenges you may encounter in your relationships. Interestingly, you can apply this technique both inside and outside the bedroom, extending its benefits to all intimate interactions.
How to Apply MTU in Your Relationship
When faced with a decision, couples should consider the following:
Personal Benefit: Is the decision good for you?
Partner’s Benefit: Is it beneficial for your partner?
Relationship Benefit: Does it strengthen the relationship?
Source of Decision: Are you acting from a place of love and security or from a place of hurt?
Impact: What will this decision have on you, your partner, and your relationship?
If you can answer "yes" to the first three questions, you are making a choice that respects the integrity of everyone involved. This decision is likely to produce healing and empowering outcomes, especially for any hurt that you or your partner might be experiencing.
Real-Life Application of MTU
Alena and Jeff’s Travel Plans*:
Alena wants to visit Mexico to take a break from her stressful job, which is affecting her mood and engagement in her relationship. Jeff initially hesitates but recognizes the trip’s potential to strengthen their bond. Jeff is really not interested in going to Mexico and needs to work on a work project. Alena doesn't like it when Jeff focuses on work during holidays. He suggests postponing the trip until after completing an important project at work, knowing that work-related stress during the holiday could harm their relationship. Alena and Jeff use MTU and find a middle ground that satisfies both, ensuring that the trip is beneficial and timely.
Jordan and Janet’s Disagreement on Timing of Sex*:
Jordan and Janet are in love, but they disagree about when to be intimate. Jordan, who is a night owl, finds late-night intimacy soothing and helpful for sleep, while Janet, who starts her workday early, struggles with disrupted sleep. They are using MTU to discuss alternatives that can accommodate both of their needs. During this process, Jordan realizes that he needs to address childhood traumas that are affecting his current intimate behaviours, which have been putting their relationship at risk.
By incorporating MTU into your decision-making, you and your partner can resolve conflicts and strengthen your bond, making every decision a step towards a more connected and loving relationship.
By addressing individual and relational needs within the relationship, MTU invariably guides couples toward unity and a flourishing partnership. If you think this process intrigues you, please consider booking a session with one of my colleagues at RTWA. Let ease, inspiration, care, and love rejuvenate your relationships.
* The stories and names mentioned have been altered to ensure confidentiality.